In the past two years I have stopped and started this weight loss attempt several times. One reason or another I would talk myself out of success. You know what I’m talking about out there…. I would work real hard for about a month or two and then get all pissed off because surprise I’m not at my goal weight yet. It’s not fair I’m watching what I am eating and working so hard and it feels like nothing is happening so screw it pass me the cheeseburger, with fries, and might as well throw some chili and cheese on it too… hey is that pizza?
This routine became all too familiar for me. Usually a different excuse but ended with the same results, just a variation on the menu.
It comes to a point of how bad do you want it? And then what is it they you really want? Yes, I would like to be a smaller size and I want to feel sexy in my own skin, but I want the freedom of living a healthy life. Heck I just want to live my life again. I don’t know what it is about putting on weight but it has held me captive for far too long. I use to be so outgoing and ready and willing to try new adventures but now it’s an effort for me to leave the house. We get invited by friends and family to partake in activities but I usually want to back out because I am worried at being secretly judge for the way I look. If it’s not worry about my appearance it’s my ability and the discomfort of a particular activity that discourages me. I realized about a month ago I am so conscious about my size when I walk into a room I size up the place so to speak and in my head map out the perfect route so I am careful not to bump into anything or anyone. I feel like I have been playing Hide and Seek, but haven’t begun searching for myself yet.
Well something snapped inside of me about two months ago that this cycle has to stop and day by day I am learning to love who I am no matter where I’m at on the scale. I’m not saying that I am settling and that I’m going to continue to let myself become larger but I’m no longer putting myself down for getting this way either. Instead I am letting this fuel my desire to get back to a place that I wasn’t too scared to greet the world. I now see that the enemy had used this to be a strong hold on my life and I am NO longer letting him have that position over me.
Instead, I’m using my body for what it is intended for….. to move!!!! No longer sitting in my little hole feeling sorry for myself or afraid that I may be seen by others who may laugh at me for watching me complete an activity. Instead this 212 lb girl (lost two more pounds by the way) is running, biking and now swimming in public places at any chance she gets. I learned long time ago if a person matters to you, they don’t mind. And if a person minds what you are doing, they don’t matter. I also realize that this is something I am going to have to work for. Just doing a so,so job is not going to get me the results I want. So I run all through my neighborhood with my head held high, and hope to encourage someone else. To show that one person that is driving to their comfort place to hide from the world that this can be done!