That’s right everyone ,No more! I am no longer going to let my fears hold me back. I’m no longer going to let other’s opinion dictate how I feel about myself. I’m no longer going to let my medical condition keep me from doing what makes me happy. And for you all out there in blog land, YOU will No longer have to see my old post about tacos for the next three months (=
So it’s obvious I haven’t kept up with my blog in the past few months, and I’m sad to say that I didn’t really keep up with my diet and exercise. When I last left off I was at 214 lbs, but as of a month ago I was back up to 240lbs. I know exactly what had happened (more about this later).
I got into a state of depression and disbelief that I will be able to make it. I started doubting that I can beat cancer, and that I can overcome my battle with obesity. So I said screw the diet and shoved anything fried and greasy into my mouth. The sad fact was, I really wasn’t happier. It didn’t change the fact that I still have these battles. If anything, after I was done gorging I was left feeling empty and I knew I was failing myself. To make it worse the food wasn’t even satisfying. You all know what I mean….. you tell yourself you don’t have time to prepare a healthy dinner and that fast food sounds good to you. So you get your food to go but half way home you have eaten all you fries( that you can tell had been sitting out for a long time and covered in salt), you get home and sit in front of the couch to realize that they didn’t even make the burger as you wanted it. So after you pick most of the veggies off (the one good thing in the meal that you rationalize to have that burger in the first place), scrap off the unwanted condiment, you devour that burger……… and then what happens ?!?!?! I don’t know about the rest of you but I’m just left me with a bad battle of stomach cramps and wishing I ate something else.
I realized I feel a lot more fulfilled when I eat well balanced meals, and I get fewer headaches when I make exercise a part of my daily routine. This is what I can do to battle my problems! This helps me prepare my body for the battle ahead, it helps me deal with the stress of my situation and it gives me something to be proud of. I know longer want to defeat myself and throw in the towel because I feel like I am lost cause.
As for any battle, we have to prepare ourselves. I no longer what to get caught in this cycle that in one minute I’m on track and the next I let one little event derail my whole cause. So my first step in preparation was looking back at all the times that I felt like I have failed and the times that I completely just stopped…………….. this was no easy task and to be honest I know I still have a lot to acknowledge, but some of the obvious known offenders are:
- I have a people pleasing personality: when I first started my new healthy lifestyle I was excited and didn’t let anything hold me back. I learned to say “no thank you” to sweet treats at office parties and family get together. I started making time for exercise, even if that meant getting up at 4 am in the morning so it didn’t change my families schedule. I found time to blog about my journey and received inspiration and encouragement from others on similar paths and found a real outlet to get my frustration out. I also made meal plans for my household and even on the nights that we felt crunch for time I still opted for the healthy choices instead of going out for something quick……. But Then…….
I started feeling guilty when some of my friends/family made comments how they made a special treat just for me, felt guilty that I took time away from my family to go exercise or to blog, and I started caving in when my hubby didn’t want to eat fish and veggies anymore, so we went out and ate way to many foods smothered in Queso.
- I listen to STUPID people: when I’m on track and I start to see results, like my pants getting a little loser and I can tell my face is getting skinner I get a burst of self- confidence. I feel proud that I’m not craving those cheese enchiladas and when I do have cravings I learn how to control them in a healthy way. I get so pumped and I start to feel like “I CAN DO THIS MAN”……. But Then…….
I talk to the village idiot!!!! We all know one. This is the one that tells you, “yeah your probably doing all this work just to put it all back on”, “you may get skinny but you’re always going to have that baby roll”, “wow… you do weigh a lot.
- I’m impatient: we have all heard “you didn’t put the weight on overnight, so it’s not going to come off overnight.” When I’m in the groove and I’m getting my workout on and making better food choices I notice a change right away…. And that feels great”……. But Then…….
Maybe a pound or two a week comes off. Or gain a pound or two that everyone says “oh it’s just muscle gain”. Even if that is true…. It’s discouraging. I have found that I have those days that when I know I’m on the right track but I look in the mirror and I second guess everything that I am doing. It’s hard when your kicking but in the gym everyday and eating the right foods and you look at yourself and you feel fatter than ever!
All of the these things get me to where I feel like what’s the use. I start to think that I can’t change it, and I start excusing my actions by jumping off the band-wagon. Well NO MORE!!!!!
The truth of the matter is I know I can do this. I joined a “biggest loser” competition at work, and I have really enjoyed getting to know everyone. We have a variety of different sizes and health goals. I find it very inspiring and hope to one day be an inspiration to others. At the start of the competition I was at 232 lbs and in two weeks I am currently at 222 lbs. I’m off to a great start and I feel happy again. This is something that I need to do for me. No more worrying about if I offend someone for saying no, and no more worrying when I do have a small “treat”. And as for others thinking that they have a right to judge my looks and my body, I will just remind them that I was “fearfully and wonderfully made in the image and fashion of God himself” and then I may smile and tell them that at least my ugliness doesn’t reside in the inside.
Well guys it’s great to be writing again and thank you all for your sweet comments and prayers. Stay tuned for my next adventure!!!!